I know a little of how you feel. When my brother passed away and I completed the very rigorous freshman pre-med year at NYU, I found myself lost and a little depressed/finally coping w/brother’s death – I saw a commercial on TV for Paxil, went to my PCP and ‘asked for it by name’ – without diagnosing me properly (because I had no mental illness), he put me on 10mg of that stuff and subsequently, life has never been the same. It fucked with my neurochemistry and led to suicidal thoughts and horrible panic attacks (when I randomly decided to quit it cold turkey) and years of trying to heal my body through a different (and a much lower dosage) anti-depressant…so much so that now I don’t forsee myself ever getting off the very low dose that I am on because, as my psychiatrist keeps telling me, I can go back into ‘the darkness’ again if I have a physical event (like labor or the postpartum period) or a really traumatic event that sends my chemistry out of whack again and he wants me to be steady. I am sorry this happened to you, we live in an age where pharma rules and doctors/healthcare workers who aren’t qualified make the wrong decisions. So often there are solutions that are non-medical to our problems.