No matter what anyone here tells you, we can’t help you. You really, really, really need the help of a professional; more than that, a highly reputable specialist. The wrong person(s) can cause damage beyond control. Your situation is grave. You are right to seek help. You need someone who knows exactly what to do to help you. Living should not be torture. When it is, if it can be changed, it should. Asking for knowledge, for help is a good direction, but should be directed to who can intelligently, and safely offer help. Sometimes asking for help requires asking more than one potential source before finding the help you need, but don’t let that be a barrier. Ask for help from someone trained to make things better for you. I wish you good luck. Feel free to send me a private message any time you want to talk.