I think you are just a pensive individual. You not only enjoy and relish every great moment, you also fester and stew in every bad moment. It’s a blessing and a curse. I could be wrong.. but I’m only suggesting it because it’s how my self loathing comes about. To be perfectly honest, the only thing that has removed the sorrow, the loathing, the self pity and self punishment has been God. If you are not a religious person it probably sounds ridiculous.. but for me.. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a gazillion times.. the only pure and true joy I’ve ever experienced has been due to God. No person on earth can provide such a feeling. When I actually shrugged off some of my worldly desires and thoughts and accepted that .. yes.. God really is there and really does have unconditional love for His creation.. it’s.. an Indescribable feeling. Again, I realize how preposterous and far fetched it seems.. I, too, was once someone who did not believe. I can’t imagine still being so lost. (gets off soap box)