Nightshade, you really need to check in to your local hospital. If you have gone this far, you’re in a very dangerous state of mind. The very best thing you can do for yourself is take it out of your hands, and put yourself in the care of professionals. I want you to know that I’ve been where you are, and it will get better, I promise. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but life is never static, it always changes…and if you’re at the bottom, it can only go up. Medication and the right therapist will make a world of difference. Please get help immediately…and let me know how you’re doing, ok?