answer:I vaguely remember it, but gratefully I have now been out for ⅔ of my life. Back in the day, I think my internalized homophobia was manifest by keeping secrets and knowing that if my Mom found out . . . but once I came out to near about everybody, it went away. The story that best summarizes it happened when I was about 20 or so (I came out at 18). An old family friend who really did work for the CIA (don’t mod me please) indicated that he thought I would be very adept at some of the then-new mapping and satellite work the agency was doing. Some time later, Mom asked me if I had applied. I responded that I had not and she inquired as to why. I explained that they wouldn’t want me because I was gay. She asked me how that would have anything to do with it. I think I looked at her quizzically and tried to explain the thinking at the time: “Well, they fear I could be blackmailed by the enemy who might threaten to tell someone about my sexual orientation.” I never loved my Mom more than when she replied, “Well that’s stupid, they couldn’t blackmail you, who doesn’t already know you are gay?”