You are in a bad spot. You started in a bad spot. It looks like you are used to occupying the bad spot. My heart goes out to you. There is darn little you can hope for on this. You should have cut all ties to your mother a looooOOOoooOong time ago. The only chance I can see, and I suffered some of that stuff myself, is if you can afford to hire a crew. Before anything else, find a super good parenting class, something with a reputation. Next, you need a lawyer. You might be able to reassemble some of your family, but adoption is hell to try to reverse, no matter what the circumstances. The parenting class will add documentation to your proof of the kind of mother you are. It could also help you with some of your long term pain from your mother. Find yourself a good solid source of strength in a friendship you can really trust. I know your pain is deep. You will have to find a way past the pain, the memories, the blaming, and confront this with a new strength, a new plan, a fresh beginning. I wish you good results, and the power to heal.