I spend entirely too much time online, not doing work. I’m always checking certain places to see what I’ve missed and if the people I enjoy chatting with are around. It feels like an addiction though I haven’t put off work or spending time with irl friends to stay online so I guess it isn’t completely like an addiction. I’ve been too sensitive lately. I’m working on mending my broken heart. It all still hurts, even if you’re part or all to blame. I wonder if I like people more than they like me, in any sense. I think I waste my time on people and things. I spend so much time convincing others that life is great that sometimes I come close to forgetting. I love being there for my friends. I cry when they cry. I hurt when they hurt. I want to meet the people I’ve gotten close to, and so I will. I think 2011 holds adventures for me, I always thought that but I thought the adventure was going to start off differently. I wonder if you can ever change people’s minds, make your case so completely that they have no choice but to change. I embrace the flaws and I wish people could seriously push something aside and embrace the love they feel. Throw away their fears and distrust. Just embrace it already. I’m not fucking perfect. I am going to disappoint you. I am going to always be as nice as I possibly can be because I care, because my heart is full of more love than hate. I am fucking sick of seeing complaints. Everywhere I look there is someone complaining about something. It isn’t easy, I know, but decide today to change whatever it is you keep complaining about or move on. You don’t really have any other choice. I am a sad panda, and I am not used to it. I’m not the sad panda. I am always the happy panda. I was offered a job about a month ago in New York. I didn’t tell anyone this. It was a fantastic opportunity, but at the time my focus was on moving West rather than North. I turned it down. I don’t know why I thought everything would turn out alright. I’m worried about a friend right now. He hasn’t been around and isn’t answering my texts. This is unlike him. I worry he’s cut the world off because he mentioned it a few days ago. I hope I am wrong. I fucking hate feeling stuck. I have the means to move anywhere I want but I struggle with making a decision. I can’t base a decision off someone else, it has to be for me. I am Lauren, the ever indecisive person. I have bored you all with this drivel. More and more I wonder what it would be like to leave it all behind.