How to Resolve Conflict
Whether it’s a petty squabble or a full-blown shouting match, there’s no way to avoid conflict altogether. Over the course of our lives, we will hurt other people’s feelings, and not all of our relationships will have happy endings. When you do end up arguing with a friend, your partner, or a family member, here are some ways to resolve your conflict.
Empty Your Cup
The Japanese Zen master Nan-in once said, “Empty your cup.” It’s very possible for you to be so overcome by ill feelings and resentment for the person you’re arguing with to the point that you don’t think clearly, or you don’t understand what you’re feeling. The first thing to do is to take a step back from that whirlwind of feelings and evaluate the issue as you would with any other problem:
Why did it start? All conflicts have a very good reason why they started in the first place. Retrace the history of your conflict. Ask yourself if it was a very good reason for an argument, or if all the little arguments you had built up and turned into really big arguments.
Who started it? Someone has to start an argument. It may seem to be gracious and magnanimous to admit to the fault even if you didn’t cause it, and it certainly does not do your friendship any favors.
Is it blown out of proportion? Often a long-standing argument that has settled and has been resolved can rear its ugly head with one little argument. It helps to put all arguments into context, and make sure that you’re fighting over things worth arguing about.
Talk Things Over
Almost all problems can be solved if you both take the time to sit down together and talk your problems over. It can be very easy to be swayed by your own emotions, to the point that you may end up arguing over talking about the argument in the first place. Here are some tips to help you resolve the argument:
resolved conflict
Reason, not emotion. An important thing to remember is to never let your heart control your head, and don’t let your decisions get in the way of rational decisions. Learn to deal with the matter as civilly and as grown-up as possible.
Know when to stand your ground. Saying “I’m sorry, it’s my fault” does not do yourself or your friend any favors. If you know you’re on the right track, you have to stand your ground and explain your side of the issue. Yet if you know you’re wrong, you have to swallow your pride and admit that straight away.
Keep yourself in check. Arguments and conflicts don’t resolve themselves if you end up quibbling, squabbling, screaming, shouting, and fighting. Deal with the matter as mature people, and find the best possible solution to your problem.
Expect the Worst
You may expect a kiss-and-make-up after the problem, but many problems don’t really have solutions. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that a fragile relationship will always be broken by just one conflict, argument, or disagreement. When that happens, you have to learn to let go of the relationship as graciously and magnanimously as you can, and move on with your life. You’ll eventually resolve the conflict, but remember that all wounds take time to heal, and it takes time to fully move on from a broken friendship.
In a perfect world, people wouldn’t argue about everything and nothing in particular. With these tips, you can resolve your conflicts and problems with other people as respectfully and maturely as possible.